By Carole Filion, Mindset Coach
When things aren’t going my way, I have noticed a tendency to blame outside circumstances. I point the finger. “This isn’t working out because THAT happened” or “So and so isn’t returning my call, so I can’t do X”. Whatever the situation, there’s a knee-jerk reaction that wants to poke through, until I take a moment, take a breath and decide how I want to respond.
When I took time to observe this lately, I was reminded of the old adage
“When you point the finger, you’ve got 3 pointed back at you!”
Admittedly annoyed when this popped into my consciousness, it did cause me to reflect and ask some questions. What could I control in this situation? What action could I take now that would empower me? When all the weight was in the pointed finger, I was giving up my power and allowing myself to be a victim of the current circumstance.
The three fingers, it turns out, represented 3 things to consider when I’m tempted to blame, three things that I absolutely have control over and that I can bring into my experience immediately. They are:
Which of my higher faculties could I lean into right now?
Which super power am I stepping over (and not celebrating)?
Where is my belief in all of this?
There are 6 Higher Faculties, also known as Creative Faculties, that feed our conscious minds (by the way, these are also what set us apart in the animal kingdom).
They are:
Will - our ability to focus
Intuition - our gut instinct
Memory - our ability to retain information
Perception - our point of view
Imagination - our ability to fantasize and create mental images
Reason - our ability to think
When asking myself which of these I could lean into, the first one that popped into my head was Reason. By giving into knee-jerk, I was not giving pause and attention to my ability to think through how I could respond and proceed in a way that would best serve me.
Next was Perception. I was looking at the situation through one lens, when there were several from which I could choose (once I applied Reason, I could then see a different path). Changing my point of view shifted how I felt and immediately softened my stance.
The situation also triggered a particular Memory that I could re-imagine into a new, future memory when this situation came up again. Now, I started feeling a bit lighter, yet more in control.
It also had me ponder the difference between Intuition and Paradigm. The latter is that collection of habits that are installed in our subconscious mind. I started to see that just because it’s habitual doesn’t necessarily mean it’s my intuition. I’ve learned that my intuition shows up when I’m relaxed, not when I’m triggered. Seeing these two in their separate context made a huge difference and further clarified my path.
I could then call on my Will to focus on a new approach, a new response to the situation that not only served me, it presented new options for me to explore and enjoy.
Most of us very often think that just because something comes easily and naturally to us, then it’s not worth celebrating. This kind of thinking has very often led me to burnout. Why? Because by ignoring and not celebrating the things I have accomplished through my natural gifts and talents, I was left with the feeling that I could never do or be “enough”. I was always chasing the next thing, and not taking a moment to congratulate myself, to celebrate ME and be in GRATITUDE for the very gifts that have allowed me to create something from nothing.
Additionally, by not showing proper gratitude for those gifts, I then had a myopic view of myself in relation to the world around me. I could recognize the gifts in others, but not in me. That often led me to hand over control to others who “knew so much more than I did”, making them the expert on ME.
I regained power through gratitude. I took a moment, looked at everything I did RIGHT in the situation and gave myself the proverbial pat on the back and great big hug as I thanked Spirit for gifting me with such amazing abilities. Again, I had control over this response.
This one was a bit trickier and required some journaling and meditation. What came up was something I had heard from various mentors throughout my personal development journey: “If you can’t find your belief, then borrow my belief in you”. A lovely, supportive thought, but I never quite received it. If I didn’t have the belief, then how would I recognize it from someone else?
This one required a measure of trust that was still foreign to me. Being more on the introverted side meant that I draw energy from within, not from the outside. If anything, the “outside” drains me of energy if I’ve spent too much time in the extroverted world (and, yes, extroverts tip the scale - not by much, but they do). So my belief had to come from within.
To believe in the things you can see and touch is no belief at all - but to believe in the unseen is a triumph and a blessing. - Abraham Lincoln.
I started with evidential proof, my current results. Surely at some point I had had some belief in myself to have accomplished what I had so far. What changed? Had I gotten too comfortable? Was I not challenging myself enough? What’s “enough”, anyway?
This led me to analyze my beliefs - really look at them - and assess what was serving me and what wasn’t. This was the tricky part I referred to earlier. It required some deep vulnerability. Fortunately, I have access to amazing material and a community that provides me with loving support.
The exercise turned into a bit of a mental Spring Cleaning. I also realized that this is an ongoing process that needs to be revisited regularly. Since Belief lives in both the conscious and subconscious mind (the deeper, ingrained beliefs in the latter), I had to start at the source. I also knew it would take constant, spaced repetition of new thoughts, new beliefs to create those new neural pathways that would eventually become habitual (once effectively installed in my subconscious). My behaviour would then follow suit.
It all sounds simple, but it’s a process and it requires commitment and persistence. Like I said, “trickier”.
It’s no wonder that when we point the finger, it looks a little like we’re holding a gun. It begs the metaphorical question of “what or where is the trigger?”
Next time you catch yourself playing the blame game, as yourself these simple questions:
Is this true?
a. If you’re not sure, the answer is probably “no”.
b. Still not sure? See #3 below.
Does it serve me to continue down this path?
a. Check in. Where are you feeling this in your body?
How can I reframe this, see it from another perspective?
a. If there’s another individual involved, can you take a moment and see it from their perspective?
b, If it’s just you, sit down and write the polar opposite thought to the one that’s tormenting you right now. Play with the new statement. Revisit how that feels in your body.
If you’re looking to take a deeper dive and shift some of the habits that no longer serve you, then let’s jump on a call to see if coaching with me is a fit for you.
Love & Light,
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